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- Rain & Thunder
- City Sounds
- Nature Sounds
- Crowd Sounds
- Impact & Destruction
- Ocean, Water
- Religion & Ceremony
- Airplanes & Helicopters
- Car, Motorcycle, Hot Rod
- Screams, Moans, Laughs
- Horror, Scary, Halloween
- War Sounds/Gun Sounds
- Office Sounds
- Door Sounds
- Dogs / Barks
- Cats and Puppies
- Big Cats
- Alligators & Crocs
- Bat Sounds
- Boar & Pigs
- Safari Animals
- Tree Animals
- Whale, Dolphin & Seal
Free Water Sounds
The Water Sounds, Ocean Surf, Streams, Waterfall, Rain sounds in this column are collected from the web and are generally available to everyone for personal use.
PIR did not create these sounds and cannot grant absolute permission for any use other than personal.
Please do not direct link to these sounds. If you would like to use one simply download and save it to your computer/phone.
- Ocean Surf1
- Beach Surf1
- Beach Ocean2
- Beach Surf3
- Ocean Surf CD
- Ocean 1
- Ocean 2
- Ocean Edge
- Ocean Lap
- Ocean 3
- Ocean Wave1
- Ocean Waves CD
- Ocean Gulls
- Ocean Wave2
- Ocean 4
- Ocean WaveBig
- Ocean Waves
- Ocean 5
- Ocean Surf
- Gentle Waves CD
- Ocean Surf
- Ocean lap
- Ocean Surf
- Ocean Sea
- Ocean Wave
- River 1
- River 2
- River 3
- River 4
- Stream 1
- Stream 2
- Stream 3
- Stream 4
- Water Fall 1
- Water Fall 2
- Water Fall 3
- Waterfall CD
- Water Fall 4
- Water Fall 5
- Water Fall 6
- Water Rain
- Rain water
- Jungle Rain CD
- Rain 3
- Rain 4
- Hard Rain CD
- Rain 5
- Rain on Roof
- Thunder Siren
- Rain Wind Storm
- Water Running
- Shark Splash
- A Water
Relaxation and Meditation CDs
1 hour long nature, ambient music and guided meditation recordings to help you relax and unwind.
Royalty Free Water Sound Effects
These high quality Water Sounds, Ocean Surf, Streams, Waterfall, Rain sounds are for multimedia producers who need permission to use the audio included in their projects.
The sounds in this category are royalty free and available for immediate download as high quality stereo WAV files. Please contact us with any questions you may have.
Click on the links to hear a preview of these royalty free
Water sound effects.
- Spring Water v2 Big rushing waves of water in a stream
- Lapping water and engine noise as longboat cruises down Mekong River. (loop)
- Water filling sink at rapid pace
- Spring Water v1 Big rushing waves of water in a stream generated from a sp ...
- water dripping at a medium pace
- Splah, big, frothy splash in an indoor swimming pool
- Water lapping and splashing against boulders
- Whales singing, water lapping, ocean surf. (loop)
- Ocean surf sound with whales singing.
- Medium rain on concrete or pavement in a quiet city (loop)
- River, rooster and birds on a beautiful New Zealand morning.
- Early morning by a river with dog and birds.
- River flowing over rocks (Version 2)
- Ducks quack and splash around in a pond or stream.
- A chorus of frogs in a pond
- Creaking boats, lapping water. (loop)
- Trickling water from a mountain spring, could also be a cave. (loop)
- Gurgling, babbling spring water in New Zealand
- Water lapping under boatshed, splashing
- River flowing over rocks (Version 3)
- Forest Ambience after rain shower, Ocean surf in the background
- Waterfall in a Balinese jungle. Splashing water. (loop)
- Water lapping against a sea wall, gurgling and churning.
- Slow single drops of water
- Rushing spring water, New Zealand birds, natural ambience v1
- Waterfall with insects and jungle ambience
- Water filling sink at rapid pace
- Waterfall loop- Medium size waterfall, seamlessly looping sound
- Waterfall- Small waterfall, seamlessly looping sound, long version.
- Rain dripping onto a rain gutter with the sound of cars driving on wet stre ...
- Waves,Pacific,Rock, Jump ,Soar - Waves surge and jump against rocks.
- Waves,Pacific,Rock, Pound - Waves swell and pound against rocks, throwing wa ...
- Waves,Pacific,Rock, Spray ,Drip - Waves crash into rocks. Think and breathy, ...
- Waves,Rocks,Bay, Distant, Clifftop - wide wash. Left- stereo merge. Right ...
- Water drops 3. Water dripping, version 3.
- Water drops 1. Water dripping, version 1.
- Water,Trickle, Sewer, Gush, Thin - Some very faint BG city drone.
- Wave,Laps,Gentle ,Urban - Soft, i nsistent waves on beach. Faint rumble from ...
- Waves,Beach,Party Boat Distant - Calm waves on beach. A party boat with vo ...
- Waves,Beach,Sandy, Urban ,Birds - close waves. Some background crows and sea ...
- Waves,Beach,Soft, Background Seaplane - close waves on sand. Seaplane at 0- ...
- Waves,Beach,Vent Blasts - Strong waves on beach. Vent blasts or whooshes p ...
- Waves,Pacific,Boof, Distant ,Drip - Medium dist ant waves hit rocks with the o ...
- Waves,Pacific,Cove, Distant, Drip - Strong consta nt waves. Occasional drips.
- Waves,Pacific, Rock, Jump, Crest -Waves surge and jump against rocks.
- Water,Pipe,Gush, Churn, Loop
- Water,Sewer,Trickle ,Cars BG
Job Hunting is serious business, but we all need an
why we have started this
Job Jokes Blog. Stop by occasionally to see a new job
or job search joke and have a quick laugh on us. Note
that we claim no authorship, ownership, nor copyrights on
these jokes; rather, we are just informally passing
them along to you as we normally would do "at the
watercooler". By the way, if you have a great job or
job search related joke that you would like to see posted,
please send it to
Computer & IT Jokes Blog! Click
Posted November 23, 2017
A dentist, after completing work on a patient, came to
Dentist: "Could you help me? Could you give out a few of
your loudest, most painful screams?"
Patient: "Why? Doctor, it wasn't all that bad this time."
Dentist: "There are so many people in the waiting room right
now, and I don't want to miss the four o'clock ball game."
Posted November 21, 2017
He was not well-educated and rather rough and crude
around the edges, but he was recently converted and now on
fire for the Lord.
He was constantly pestering the pastor to give him some work
that would be helpful to the church. Finally the pastor
agreed. He gave the man a list of ten people who hadn't been
in church for years nor made any financial contribution.
Some of these were quite prominent in the community.
The pastor said, "What I want you to do is get these people
back to church, however you can. You can use church
stationery if you want, but get these people back to
Three weeks later the pastor got an envelope in the mail
from a prominent doctor whose name had been on the list,
along with a check for $1,000 and a note that read, "Dear
Pastor, Please excuse my inactivity at church. I really have
no excuse. Accept this check as a partial contribution for
all the Sundays I've missed, and be assured I will never, by
choice, miss worship again.
Sincerely, J. B. Jones, M.D.
P.S. - Will you kindly tell your secretary that there is
only one "t" in dirty and no "c" in skunk?
Posted November 19, 2017
Human Resources Manager: "What is your greatest
Old man: "Honesty."
Human Resources Manager: "I don't think honesty is a
Old Man: "I don't really give a crap what you think."
Posted November 16, 2017
A weeping woman bursts into her hypnotherapist's office
and declares, "Doctor, I have been faithful to my husband
for 15 years, but yesterday I broke that trust and had an
affair! The guilt is killing me. I just want to forget that
it ever happened!"
The hypnotherapist shakes his head and says. "Not again..."
Posted November 14, 2017
When I was young I dreamed of being a test pilot. Flying
higher, faster, farther. Risking my life for the science of
aviation. But when I grew up I found out I wasn't qualified
because of my poor eyesight.
Now I work in a post office which gives me many of the same
thrills. I'm always pushing the envelope!
Posted November 12, 2017
A fifth generation farmer has determined that his son
will be the first in their family to go to college. So he
and his wife save every penny for years and when the big day
comes for junior to leave for school, the old man is the
proudest he's ever been.
After the first semester junior comes home for Christmas
break and the old man sits him down for a talk. "Well, boy,
you been at school for three months now, I want you to tell
me some of that fancy book learnin'."
So junior says, "My favorite class is math, pa. Just last
week we learned a new formula...Pi r squared."
At hearing this the old man screws up his eyes and smacks
his forehead, "Dog gone-it! I spent all that money on
schooling and all you can tell me is Pi r squared? Why
everybody knows pie are round...CORNBREAD are squared!"
Posted November 10, 2017
Inspirational Posters for the Cubicle Era (cont.)
TEAMWORK ... means never having to take all the blame
Never underestimate the power of very stupid people in large
Posted November 8, 2017
*-- The Top 10 Signs You Hired A Bad History Teacher --*
1. Constantly gets Indonesia and Outdonesia confused.
2. As incentive for learning, when you name a state capital,
you get to take a shot.
3. Insists that one of Popes during the Roman empire was
4. Thinks that Mussolini was Hitler's favorite pasta.
5. Counts Puerto Rico, Mexico and Canada as "technically"
6. Tells you that its Napoleon that's the ice cream that
comes in 3 flavors in one box.
7. Insists that the Great Depression could have been stopped
with the right amount of Lithium.
8. Threatens to reenact Salem Witch Trials/Burnings if
homework is not turned in on time.
9. Claims that it was Martin and Lewis that were the great
explorers of the West.
10. Credits David Hasselhoff and not Democracy for the fall
of the Berlin Wall.
Posted November 6, 2017
Two workers were knocking in nails to the sides of a
house, one of them kept throwing them away.
"Why do you keep throwing nails away," said the other.
"Because they have the point at the wrong end," he replied.
"You fool, we could use those on the other side of the
Posted November 4, 2017
At the end of my factory shift, I was asked to purchase
some supplies. The machines' conveyor belts needed talcum
powder to prevent them from sticking, and we had run out of
aspirin for workers with noise-induced tension headaches.
I drove to the nearest store and loaded a shopping cart with
four cases of baby powder and several boxes of aspirin. As
the man behind me in the checkout line peered at my
purchases, he laughed and exclaimed, "Must be one heck of a
Posted November 2, 2017
Doctor Jones likes to stop into his local bar after work
for an almond daiquiri. One day, Dick the bartender runs out
of almonds and uses hickory nuts instead. The doctor takes a
sip and says, "Is this an almond daiquiri, Dick?"
And Dick says, "It's a hickory daiquiri, Doc."
Posted October 26, 2017
A woman was talking to a co-worker, "I don't know what to
do. My husband is such a mess maker that you can't imagine.
He doesn't put anything away, I am always going around the
house cleaning up after him."
The friend says, "Take a tip from me. The first week after
we were married I told my husband firmly, 'Every glass and
plate that you take, wash when you are done and put back in
The first woman asked, "Did it help?"
Her co-worker replied, "I don't know. I haven't seen him
Posted October 24, 2017
Did you hear about the doctor who wrote out a
prescription in the usual doctor's fashion?
The patient used it for two years as a railroad pass.
Twice it got him into Radio City Music Hall, and once into
It came in handy as a letter from his employer to the
cashier to increase his salary.
And to top it off, his daughter played it on the piano and
won a scholarship to the Curtis Music Conservatory.
Posted October 22, 2017
Two men working in a factory were talking. "I know how to
get some time off," said one.
"How are you going to do that?"
"Watch," he replied, and just stood in place.
The foreman asked what he was doing, and the man responded,
"I'm a light bulb."
"I think you need some time off," the foreman said, and the
first man walked out of the factory.
After a moment, the second man followed him.
"Where do you think you're going?" the foreman shouted.
"I can't work in the dark," he said.
Posted October 19, 2017
10 Reasons Why You Should Ask Your Boss For A Raise
10. You take your paycheck to the bank and the teller bursts
out in hysterical laughter.
9. The Red Cross calls and offers you emergency assistance.
8. Your only charge cards are for the Salvation Army, ARC,
and DAV thrift stores.
7. You work full time and you still qualify for food stamps.
6. You empty out your piggy bank and then cook the bank and
serve it for your Easter ham.
5. All you can think about morning, noon and night is
clipping grocery coupons.
4. You file your income taxes and the IRS returns them
stamped, "Charity Case -- Return To Sender."
3. You set the world record for mailing $1.00 rebate
requests to Young America, Minnesota.
2. You pay all your bills, put your remaining $1 bill into
your billfold and it goes into shock.
1. You get arrested for taking the coins out of the fountain
in the mall.
Posted October 17, 2017
I was recovering from surgery when a charity
representative phoned asking me to take part in a
door-to-door fund-raising effort.
"Sorry," I replied, "but I've been incapacitated."
Undaunted, the caller kept trying to convince me to change
my mind and volunteer.
I interrupted and said, "I'm incapacitated. Do you know what
She hesitated. "It means your head was cut off?"
Posted October 15, 2017
A businessman sent an inquiry to a small hotel in a
Midwest town he planned to visit on his vacation. He wrote:
"I would like to bring my dog with me. He is well-groomed
and very well behaved. Would you be willing to allow me to
keep him in my room at night?"
An immediate reply came from the hotel owner, who said,
"I've been operating this hotel for many years. In all that
time, I've never had a dog steal towels, bedclothes,
silverware or pictures off the walls. I've never had to
evict a dog in the middle of the night for being disorderly.
And I've never had a dog run out on a hotel bill. Yes,
indeed, your dog is welcome at my hotel. And, if your dog
will vouch for you, you're welcome to stay here, too."
Posted October 12, 2017
Doctor: Did you know that there are more than 200 bones
in the human body?
Patient: Shhh, doctor! There are three dogs outside in the
Posted October 8, 2017
I was a traveling salesman working my way through Georgia
last summer and stopped at a little backwoods country store.
In the men's room there was a handwritten sign above the
malfunctioning potty which said, "Please Wiggel Handel".
Below that some wit had written, "If I do, will it wiggel
Posted October 5, 2017
Working for a pediatrician calls for stifling a chuckle
from time to time. When a frantic mother phoned to tell us
her baby had a high temperature of 102, we had to know
whether she was taking the reading under the arm, in the
mouth or elsewhere.
So we asked, "How are you taking it?"
Her reply, "Oh, I'm holding up pretty well!"
Posted October 4, 2017
Inspirational Posters for the Cubicle Era (cont.)
If at first you don't succeed, try management.
Never put off until tomorrow what you can avoid altogether.
Posted October 2, 2017
Inventor: "I've just invented something that everyone in
the world will want! You know how you get a nasty ring
around the bathtub every time you use it, and you have to
clean the ring off?"
Assistant: "Yes, I hate it when that happens."
Inventor: "Well, you need never have a bathtub ring again!
I've invented the square tub..."
Posted September 28, 2017
A scientist at a laboratory got out of the shower, and
realized that his clothes were missing. And then he
accidentally locked himself out of the locker room. So now
he was completely naked in the halls.
He felt pretty ridiculous.
Getting an idea, he walked naked and purposefully through
the corridors until he reached the Research & Development
department. He walked in and said to the head scientist, "I
think we can report the partial success of the personal
Posted September 25, 2017
Inspirational Posters for the Cubicle Era (cont.)
Artificial Intelligence is no match for Natural Stupidity
Plagiarism saves time.
Posted September 23, 2017
Two state troopers were chasing a car on the interstate.
When the suspect crossed the state line, the first trooper
pulled over quickly.
The rookie trooper pulled in behind him and said, "Hey,
sarge, why did you stop?"
The sarge replied, "He's across the state line now. They're
an hour ahead of us, so we'll never catch him."
Posted September 21, 2017
At a boat rental concession, the new manager went to the
lake's edge and yelled through his megaphone, "Number 99,
come in, please. Your time is up." Several minutes passed,
but the boat didn't return. "Boat number 99," he again
hollered, "return to the dock immediately or I'll have to
charge you overtime."
"Something is wrong here, boss," his assistant said. "We
only have 75 boats. There is no number 99."
The manager thought for a moment and then raised his
mega-phone: "Boat number 66," he yelled. "Are you having
trouble out there?"
Posted September 17, 2017
My family physician told me of an incident that actually
happened to him back in the early days of his practice.
He said a woman brought her baby to see him, and he
determined right away that the baby had an earache. He wrote
a prescription for ear drops. In the directions he wrote,
"Put two drops in right ear every four hours" and he
abbreviated "right" as an R with a circle around it.
Several days passed, and the woman returned with her baby,
complaining that the baby still had an earache, and his
little behind was getting really greasy with all those drops
The doctor looked at the bottle of ear drops and sure
enough, the pharmacist had typed the following instructions
on the label:
"Put two drops in R ear every four hours."
Posted September 16, 2017
Q: What size of soap does a judge use?
A: Trial size!
Posted September 13, 2017
As a crowded airliner is about to take off, the peace is
shattered by a 5-year-old boy who picks that moment to throw
a wild temper tantrum. No matter what his frustrated,
embarrassed mother does to try to calm him down, the boy
continues to scream furiously and kick the seats around him.
Suddenly, from the rear of the plane, an elderly man in the
uniform of an Air Force General is seen slowly walking
forward up the aisle. Stopping the flustered mother with an
upraised hand, the white-haired, courtly, soft-spoken
General leans down and, motioning toward his chest, whispers
something into the boy's ear.
Instantly, the boy calms down, gently takes his mother's
hand, and quietly fastens his seat belt. All the other
passengers burst into spontaneous applause.
As the General slowly makes his way back to his seat, one of
the cabin attendants touches his sleeve. "Excuse me,
General," she asks quietly, "but could I ask you what magic
words you used on that little boy?"
The old man smiles serenely and gently confides, "I showed
him my pilot's wings, service stars, and battle ribbons, and
explained that they entitle me to throw one passenger out
the plane door on any flight I choose."
Posted September 10, 2017
A dinner speaker was in such a hurry to get to his
engagement that when he arrived and sat down at the head
table, he suddenly realized that he had forgotten his false
teeth. Turning to the man next to him he whispered, "I
forgot my teeth."
The man replied, "No problem." With that he reached into his
pocket and pulled out a pair of false teeth. "Try these," he
The speaker tried them. "Too loose."
"I have another pair...try these."
The speaker tried them and responded, "Too tight."
The man was not taken back at all. He then said, "I have one
more pair of false teeth...try them." The speaker tried them
and happily replied, "They fit perfectly."
With that the speaker ate his meal and gave his address.
After the dinner meeting was over, he went over to thank the
man who had helped him. "I want to thank you for coming to
my aid. Where is your office? I've been looking for a good
The man replied, "I'm not a dentist. I'm the local
Posted September 8, 2017
A man is driving down a country road, when he spots a
farmer standing in the middle of a huge field of grass. He
pulls the car over to the side of the road and notices that
the farmer is just standing there, doing nothing, looking at
The man gets out of the car, walks all the way out to the
farmer and asks him, "Ah excuse me mister, but what are you
The farmer replies, "I'm trying to win a Nobel Prize."
"How?" asks the man, puzzled.
"Well, I heard they give the Nobel Prize to people who are
out standing in their field."
Posted September 5, 2017
When our ship stopped in the Atlantic Ocean for a 'swim
call,' the chief boatswain noticed how nervous I was. "Don't
worry," he assured me. "You are never more than three miles
Then he added, "Straight down."
Posted September 3, 2017
An airline recently introduced a special half-fare rate
for wives who accompanied their husbands on business trips.
Expecting valuable testimonials, the PR department sent out
requests to all the wives of businessmen who had used the
special rates, asking how they enjoyed their trip.
Responses are still pouring in asking, "What trip?"
Posted September 1, 2017
Inspirational Posters for the Cubicle Era
Rome did not create a great empire by having meetings, they
did it by killing all those who opposed them.
If you can stay calm, while all around you is chaos ... then
you probably haven't completely understood the seriousness
of the situation.
Posted August 28, 2017
A newspaper editor announces that there's enough money in
the budget to install a newsroom chandelier. The reporters
huddle and send a spokesman to say they're against it.
"Against it? Why?" the editor asks.
"First," the reporter says, "no one on the staff can spell
'chandelier' well enough to put it on an order form.
Second, I don't believe that anybody here can play one if we
And third, if you got that much money, we think you should
get a hanging light instead, to brighten up the office!"
Posted August 26, 2017
A terrific explosion occurs in a gunpowder factory, and
once all the mess has been cleared up, an inquiry begins.
One of the few survivors is pulled up to make a statement.
"Okay Simpson," says the investigator, "you were near the
scene, what happened?"
"Well, it's like this. Old Charley Higgins was in the mixing
room, and I saw him take a cigarette out of his pocket and
"He was smoking in the mixing room?" the investigator said
in stunned horror, "How long had he been with the company?"
"About 20 years, sir"
"20 years in the company, then he goes and strikes a match
in the mixing room, I'd have thought it would have been the
last thing he'd have done."
"It was, sir."
Posted August 22, 2017
A customer moves away from a bank window, counts his
change, and then goes back and says to the cashier, "Hey,
you gave me the wrong change!"
"Sir, you stepped away from the counter," said the cashier.
"We don't make corrections after you leave. There's nothing
I can do about it now. That's the policy of this bank."
"Well, ok," answered the customer. "Just thought you'd like
to know that you gave me an extra twenty. Bye."
Posted August 20, 2017
A shoplifter was caught red-handed trying to steal a
watch from an exclusive jewelry store by the newly hired
"Listen," said the shoplifter, "I know you don't want any
trouble, either. What do you say I just buy the watch and we
forget about this?"
The new manager agreed and wrote up the sales slip. The
crook looked at the slip and said, "This is a little more
than I intended to spend. Can you show me something less
Posted August 18, 2017
Travel Agency Terminology
TOUR GUIDE TERM ........... TRANSLATION
Old world charm .................... Room and a path
Tropical ........................... Rainy
Majestic setting ................... A long way from town,
at end of dirt road
Options galore ..................... Nothing is included in
Secluded hideaway .................. Directions to locate
Some budget rooms .................. Sorry, already occupied
Explore on your own ................ At your own expense
Knowledgeable trip hosts ........... They've flown in an
No extra fees ...................... No extras
Nominal fee ........................ Outrageous charge
Standard ........................... Sub-standard
Deluxe ............................. Barely Standard
Superior accommodations............. One complimentary
chocolate, free shower cap
All the amenities .................. Two chocolates, two
Plush .............................. Both top and bottom
sheets, bed shakes
Gentle breezes ..................... In hurricane alley
Light and airy ..................... No air conditioning
Picturesque ........................ Theme park nearby
24-hour bar ........................ Ice cubes at additional
cost (when available)
Posted August 17, 2017
Employed by the human-development center of a corporation
in the Midwest, my friend trains employees in proper dress
codes and etiquette. One day as she was stepping onto the
elevator, a man casually dressed in jeans and a golf shirt
got on with her. Thinking of her responsibilities, she
scolded, "Dressed a little casually today, aren't we?"
The man replied, "That's one of the benefits you get of
owning the company."
Posted August 12, 2017
When Peters learned that he was being fired, he went to
see the head of human resources. "Since I've been with the
firm for so long," he said, "I think I deserve at least a
letter of recommendation."
The human resources director agreed and said he'd have the
letter that next day. The following morning, Peters found
the letter on his desk. It read, "Jonathan Peters worked for
our company for eleven years. When he left us, we were very
Posted August 11, 2017
A salesman, tired of his job, gave it up to become a
Several months later, a friend who used to work with him
asked him how he liked his new role.
"Well," he replied, "the pay is good and the hours aren't
bad, but what I like best is that the customer is always
Posted August 8, 2017
In an age when everyone seems to be playing the name game
of glorifying job titles, the man in charge of the meat
department at a grocery store in Wisconsin deserves a round
On his weekly time card he describes his position as: Meat
Posted August 7, 2017
"Jill," a newly hired teacher reprimanded the teenager in
the hall, "do you mind telling me whose class you're cutting
"Like," the young teen replied, "uh, see, okay, like it's
like, I really don't like, think like, that's really
important, y'know, like because I'm, y'know, like I don't
get anything out of it."
"It's Mrs. Dulls' English class, isn't it?" replied the
Posted August 4, 2017
In a small town, there is a big factory that hires only
Concerned about this, a local woman calls the manager and
asks him: "Why is it you limit your employees to married
men? Is it because you think women are weak, dumb,
cantankerous ... or what?"
"Not at all, ma'am," the manager replies. "It is because our
employees are used to obeying orders, are accustomed to
being shoved around, know how to keep their mouths shut, and
don't pout when I yell at them."
Posted July 31, 2017
Keys to Business Success
1. Never walk down the hall without a document in your
hands. People with documents in their hands look like
hardworking employees heading for important meetings. People
with nothing in their hands look like they're heading for
the cafeteria. People with the newspaper in their hands look
like they're heading for the bathroom. Above all, make sure
you carry loads of stuff home with you at night, thus
generating the false impression that you work longer hours
than you do.
2. Use computers to look busy. Any time you use a computer,
it looks like work to the casual observer. You can send and
receive personal e-mail, calculate your finances and
generally have a blast without doing anything remotely
related to work. These aren't exactly the societal benefits
that everybody from the computer revolution expected but
they're not bad either. When you get caught by your boss --
and you will get caught--your best defense is to claim
you're teaching yourself to use the new software, thus
saving valuable training dollars. You're not a loafer,
you're a self-starter. Offer to show your boss what you
learned. That will make your boss scurry away like a
3. Messy desk. Top management can get away with a clean
desk. For the rest of us, it looks like you're not working
hard enough. Build huge piles of documents around your
workspace. To the observer, last year's work looks the same
as today's work; it's volume that counts. Pile them high and
wide. If you know somebody is coming to your cubicle, bury
the document you'll need halfway down in an existing stack
and rummage for it when he/she arrives.
4. Voice mail. Never answer your phone if you have voice
mail. People don't call you just because they want to give
you something for nothing -- they call because they want YOU
to do work for THEM. That's the way to live. Screen all your
calls through voice mail. If somebody leaves a voice mail
message for you and it sounds like impending work, respond
during lunch hour. That way, you're hardworking and
conscientious even though you're being a devious weasel. If
you diligently employ the method of screening incoming calls
and then returning calls when nobody is there, this will
greatly increase the odds that they will give up or look for
a solution that doesn't involve you. The sweetest voice mail
message you can ever hear is "Ignore my last message. I took
care of it." If your voice mailbox has a limit on the number
of messages it can hold, make sure you reach that limit
frequently. One way to do that is to never erase any
incoming messages. If that takes too long, send yourself a
few messages. Your callers will hear a recorded message that
says, "Sorry, this mailbox is full" -- a sure sign that you
are a hardworking employee in high demand.
Posted July 29, 2017
A traveling salesman knocked on the front door of a home,
and heard a faint, high pitched, "Come In".
He tried the door and it was locked, so he went around to
the back door.
He knocked again and heard again the high pitched "Come In".
As he entered the kitchen a large, mean, snarling Doberman
As he plastered himself against the wall he called out for
Again, he heard the "Come In".
He slid down the wall to the living room to see a parrot in
He said, "For Pete's sake, is that all you can say is 'Come
The parrot laughed and said "Sic Him"
Posted July 27, 2017
I was waiting tables in a noisy lobster restaurant in
Maine when a vacationing Southerner stumped me with a drink
order. I approached the bartender. "Have you ever heard of a
drink called 'Seven Young Blondes'?" I asked. He admitted
he'd never heard of it, and grabbed a drink guidebook to
look it up. Unable to find the recipe, he then asked me to
go back and tell the patron that he'd be happy to make the
drink if he could list the ingredients for him. "Sir," I
asked the customer, "can you tell me what's in that drink?"
He looked at me like I was crazy. "It's wine," he said,
pronouncing his words carefully, "Sauvignon blanc."
Posted July 25, 2017
Two older, successful businessmen met at a resort. One
who had recently retired was describing his life, "I get up
late in the morning, have a light breakfast and then I lie
down on my veranda for a few hours and relax.
In the afternoon I go inside for lunch, have a great salad,
fruits and cold fish, then I spend the rest of the afternoon
boating or playing golf or tennis...
When it starts to get dark I have a great dinner with a nice
bottle of wine. I smoke a Cuban cigar. Then I go lie on my
The other gentleman acknowledges that this is a life to be
envied. Later he reported the conversation to his wife. She
asked, "What's his wife's name?"
Her husband said, "I'm not sure, but I think it's Veranda."
Posted July 23, 2017
Upon arriving home, a husband was met at the door by his
sobbing wife. Tearfully she explained, "It's the pharmacist.
He insulted me terribly this morning on the phone."
Immediately the husband drove downtown to confront the
phamacist and demand an apology. Before he could say more
than a few words, the druggist told him, "Now, just a
minute, please listen to my side of it...
This morning the alarm failed to go off, so I was late
getting up. I went without breakfast and hurried out to the
car, just to realize that I locked the house with both house
and car keys inside. I had to break a window to get my keys.
Then, driving a little too fast, I got a speeding ticket.
Later, about three blocks from the store, I had a flat tire.
When I got to the store there was a bunch of people waiting
for me to open up. I opened and started waiting on these
people, and all the time the darn phone was ringing off the
He continued, "Then I had to break a roll of nickels against
the cash register drawer to make change, and they spilled
all over the floor. I got down on my hands and knees to pick
up the nickels; the phone was still ringing. When I came up
I cracked my head on the open cash drawer, which made me
stagger back against a showcase with bunch of perfume
bottles on it...all of them hit the floor and broke.
Meanwhile, the phone is still ringing with no let up, and I
finally got to answer it. It was your wife. She wanted to
know how to use a rectal thermometer...and, honest mister,
all I did was tell her!"
Posted July 22, 2017
A businessman boarded a plane to find, sitting next to
him, an elegant woman wearing the largest, most stunning
diamond ring he had ever seen. He asked her about it.
"This is the Bexfield diamond," she said. "It is beautiful,
but there is a terrible curse that goes with it."
"What's the curse?" the man asked.
Posted July 19, 2017
A guy says, "Doctor, Doctor! Help me, I keep thinking I'm
The doctor replies, "Well, you'll just have to be a little
Posted July 17, 2017
A salesman, tired of his job, gave it up to become a
Several months later, a friend who used to work with him
asked him how he liked his new role.
"Well," he replied, "the pay is good and the hours aren't
bad, but what I like best is that the customer is always
Posted July 15, 2017
My friend asked his father-in-law, a crop duster, how his
day had gone.
"I had just the worst day," replied the man. "This morning I
was up in my plane dusting a field when I nicked a power
line and damaged the wing on the plane. When I got back to
the office, my boss chewed me out. Then the guy from the FAA
chewed me out.
"On my way home, I stopped at a bar and was handed a warm
beer. So I yelled at the bartender, 'Don't you have any cold
"The bartender said, 'Sorry, but we've been out of
electricity all day ever since some idiot crop-duster hit a
power line down the road.'"
Posted July 11, 2017
I was working in a scrap yard during summer vacation at
engineering university. I used to work repairing
One afternoon, I was taking apart a piling hammer that had
some very large bolts holding it together. One of the nuts
had corroded on to the bolt; to free it I started heating
the nut with an oxy-acetylene torch. As I was doing this,
one of the dimmest apprentices I have ever known came along.
He asked me what I was doing. I patiently explained that if
I heated the nut it would grow larger and release its grip
on the bolt so I could then remove it.
"So things get larger when they get hot, do they?" he asked.
Suddenly, an idea flashed into my mind. "Yes," I said,
"that's why days are longer in summer and shorter in
There was a long pause, then his face cleared. "You know, I
always wondered about that," he said.
Posted July 7, 2017
Smith goes to see his supervisor in the front office.
"Boss," he says, "we're doing some heavy house-cleaning at
home tomorrow, and my wife needs me to help with the attic
and the garage, moving and hauling stuff."
"We're short-handed, Smith," the boss replies. "I can't give
you the day off."
"Thanks, boss," says Smith, "I knew I could count on you!"
Posted July 6, 2017
Over a round of golf, two doctors were talking shop.
"I operated on Mr. Davis the other day," said the surgeon.
"What for?" asked his colleague.
"What did he have?"
Posted July 4, 2017
A newly hired tour guide was showing a tour group around
Washington, D. C. The guide pointed out the place where
George Washington supposedly threw a dollar coin across the
"That's impossible," said the tourist. "No one could throw a
coin that far!"
"You have to remember," answered the new guide, "a dollar
went a lot farther in those days."
Posted July 2, 2017
INFORMATION YOU NEED TO HELP YOU CHOOSE YOUR NEXT
EMPLOYEE HEALTH PLAN ..
Q. What does HMO stand for?
A. This is actually a variation of the phrase, "HEY MOE."
Its roots go back to a concept pioneered by Moe of the Three
Stooges,who discovered that a patient could be made to
forget about the pain in his foot if he was poked hard
enough in the eyes.
Q. I just joined an HMO. How difficult will it be to choose
the doctor I want?
A. Just slightly more difficult than choosing your parents.
Your insurer will provide you with a book listing all the
doctors in the plan. These doctors basically fall into two
categories -- those who are no longer accepting new
patients, and those who will see you but are no longer
participating in the plan. But don't worry; the remaining
doctor who is still in the plan and accepting new patients
has an office just a half-day's drive away and has a
diploma from a Third World Country.
Q. Do all diagnostic procedures require pre-certification?
A. No. Only those you need.
Q. Can I get coverage for my preexisting conditions?
A Certainly, as long as they don't require any treatment.
Q. What happens if I want to try alternative forms of
A. You'll need to find alternative forms of payment.
Q. My pharmacy plan only covers generic drugs, but I need
the name brand. I tried the Generic Medication, but it gave
me a stomachache. What should I do?
A. Poke yourself in the eye.
Q. What if I'm away from home and I get sick?
A. You really shouldn't do that.
Q. I think I need to see a specialist, but my doctor insists
he can handle my problem. Can a general practitioner really
perform a heart transplant right in his office?
A. Hard to say, but considering that all you're risking is
the $15 co-payment, there's no harm in giving him a shot at
Posted June 29, 20177
Dear Valued Employee:
Re: Vacation Pay
Our records indicate that you have not used any vacation
time over the past 100 year(s). As I'm sure you are aware,
employees are granted 3 weeks of paid leave per year or pay
in lieu of time off. One additional week is granted for
every 5 years of service.
Please either take 9,400 days off work or, if you wish
monetary compensation, notify our office and your next pay
check will reflect payment of $8,277,432.22 which will
include all pay and interest for the past 1,200 months.
Automated Payroll Processing
Posted June 27, 2017
A man was seen fleeing down the hall of the hospital just
before his operation. "What's the matter?" he was asked.
He said, "I heard the nurse say, 'It's a very simple
operation, don't worry, I'm sure it will be all right.'"
"She was just trying to comfort you, what's so frightening
"She wasn't talking to me. She was talking to the doctor!"
Posted June 26, 2017
Try this when you are feeling bad about your job...
On your way home from work, stop at a pharmacy and purchase
a rectal thermometer made by Johnson & Johnson. Be very sure
to get this brand.
When you get home, lock your doors, close the blinds and
take the phone off the hook so you will not be disturbed.
Change into very comfortable clothing and sit in your
Open the package and remove the thermometer. Now, carefully
place it on a table or a surface so that it will not become
chipped or broken. Take out the literature and read it
carefully. You will notice that in small print there is a
"Every Rectal Thermometer made by Johnson & Johnson is
Now, close your eyes and repeat out loud five times, "I am
soooo glad I do not work in the thermometer quality control
at Johnson & Johnson."
Posted June 25, 2017
You Know It's Your Last Day At Work When......(cont.)
You take a "sick" day. The next morning the boss asks you,
"So, how was the fishing on Rock Creek yesterday?".
You wake up hung over. You have a black eye and barked
knuckles. Your underwear is missing. You're in jail. Last
night was the company Christmas party.
Posted June 22, 2017
A guy hosted a dinner party for people from work,
including his boss.
All during the sit-down dinner, the host's three-year-old
girl stared at her father's boss sitting across from her.
The girl could hardly eat her food from staring. The man
checked his tie, felt his face for food, patted his hair in
place, but nothing stopped her from staring at him.
He tried his best to just ignore her but, finally it was too
much for him. He asked her, "Why are you staring at me?"
Everyone at the table had noticed her behavior and the table
went quiet for her response.
The little girl said, "My daddy said you eat like a pig and
I don't want to miss it!"
Posted June 18, 2017
Our Supply Clerk at the factory where I work, discovered
a box that was left on the loading dock with this warning
printed on it: DANGER DO NOT TOUCH!
Management was called and all employees were told to stay
clear of the box until it could be analyzed.
When the foreman arrived, he donned gloves and safety
glasses, and then, very carefully opened the box. Inside
were 250 signs that read: DANGER! DO NOT TOUCH!
Posted June 16, 2017
A police car pulled me over near the high school where I
teach. As the officer asked for my license and
registration, my students began to drive past. Some honked
their horns, others hooted, and still others stopped to
admonish me for speeding.
Finally the officer asked me if I was a teacher at the
school, and I told him I was.
"I think you've paid your debt to society," he said with a
smile, and left without giving me a ticket.
Posted June 11, 2017
You Know It's Your Last Day At Work When......(cont.)
While your boss is at lunch, you sneak in and look at some
confidential information on his computer. You spill coffee
on the keyboard. It shorts out.
You return from a week's vacation to find that you had
scheduled *this* week as vacation, not last week.
Posted June 10, 2017
I was waiting tables at a country club when an elegantly
dressed woman spilled Manhattan clam chowder all over her
white linen skirt. She began furiously dabbing at it with a
Having plenty of experience with getting out food stains, I
asked, "Can I bring you some club soda?"
"Young lady," she barked, "I'll be the judge of when I've
had enough to drink. Bring me another martini!"
Posted June 8, 2017
At the outpatient surgery center where I work, the
anesthesiologist often chatted with patients before their
operations to help them relax.
One day he thought he recognized a woman as a co-worker at
the VA hospital where he had trained.
When the patient confirmed that his hunch was correct, he
said, "So, tell me, is the food still as bad there as it
used to be?"
"Well, I suppose," she replied, "I'm still cooking it."
Posted June 5, 2017
You Know It's Your Last Day At Work When......
You hand a bank teller an envelope, and when she asks,
"What's this?" you realize you just dropped the company's
deposit in a mailbox.
A woman comes into the store, you turn to the other salesman
and say, "I waited on the last fat ugly old lady. This one's
your turn". Your boss is standing behind you. It's his wife.
Posted June 2, 2017
This guy needs a job and decides to apply at the zoo. As
it happened, their star attraction, a gorilla, had passed
away the night before and they had carefully preserved his
hide. They tell this guy that they'll pay him well if he
would dress up in the gorillas skin and pretend to be the
gorilla so people will keep coming to the zoo.
Well, the guy has his doubts, but Hey! He needs the
money, so he puts on the skin and goes out into the cage.
The people all cheer to see him. He plays up to the audience
and they just eat it up. This isn't so bad, he thinks, and
he starts really putting on a show, jumping around, beating
his chest and roaring, swinging around.
During one acrobatic attempt, though, he loses his
balance and crashes through some safety netting, landing
square in the middle of the lion cage! As he lies there
stunned, the lion roars. He's terrified and starts
screaming, "Help, Help, Help!"
The lion races over to him, places his paws on his chest
and hisses, "Shut up or we'll BOTH lose our jobs!"
Posted May 30, 2017
This guy sticks his head into a barber shop and asks,
"How long before I can get a haircut?"
The barber looks around the shop and says, "About two
The guy leaves.
A few days later the same guy sticks his head in the door
and asks, "How long before I can get a haircut?"
The barber looks around at his shop full of customers and
says, "About two hours."
The guy leaves.
A week later the same guy sticks his head in the shop and
asks, "How long before I can get a haircut?"
The barber looks around the shop and says, "About an hour
and a half."
The guy leaves.
The barber looks over at a friend in the shop and says,
"Hey, Bill, follow that guy and see where he goes."
In a little while, Bill comes back into the shop laughing
The barber asks, "Bill, where did that guy go when he left
Bill looks at him and says, "To your house."
Posted May 29, 2017
It was a stifling hot day and a man fainted in the middle
of a busy intersection. Traffic quickly piled up in all
directions while a woman rushed to help him.
When she knelt down to loosen his collar, a man emerged from
the crowd, pushed her aside, and said, "It's all right, I
know first aid."
The woman stood up and watched as he took the ill man's
pulse and prepared to administer artificial respiration.
At this point she tapped him on the shoulder and said, "When
you get to the part about calling a doctor, I'm already
Posted May 26, 2017
A young man, fresh out of college, went to see his doctor
"Doc, there's something wrong with me. Every time I stand in
a baby's high chair and face southwest, and then touch my
tongue to a piece of aluminum foil that's wrapped around an
acorn, I get a strange tingle in my big toe. Can you tell me
what the problem is?"
"Sure!" The doctor said.
"Get a job. You have way too much time on your hands!"
Posted May 23, 2017
A guy walks into a post office one day to see a
middle-aged, balding man standing at the counter
methodically placing "Love" stamps on bright pink envelopes
with hearts all over them. He then takes out a perfume
bottle and starts spraying scent all over them.
His curiosity getting the better of him, he goes up to the
balding man and asks him what he is doing. The man says,
"I'm sending out one thousand Valentine cards signed, 'Guess
"But why?" asks the man.
"I'm a divorce lawyer," the man replies.
Posted May 22, 2017
A Veterinarian was feeling ill and went to see her
The doctor asked her all the usual questions: what were the
symptoms, how long had they been occurring, etc.
Suddenly, she interrupted him: "Hey look, I'm a vet - I
don't need to ask my patients these kind of questions: I can
tell what's wrong just by looking." She smugly added, "Why
The doctor nodded, stood back, looked her up and down,
quickly wrote out a prescription, handed it to her and said,
"There you are. Of course, if that doesn't work, we'll have
to have you put to sleep."
Posted May 21, 2017
Dolphins are so intelligent that within a few weeks of
captivity they can train a man to stand on the edge of their
pool and throw them fish three times a day.
Posted May 19, 2017
A classics professor tears his favorite pair of trousers,
so he takes them to the Greek tailor in his neighborhood to
get them mended. The tailor asks: "Euripides?"
The professor replies: "Yes. Eumenides?"
Posted May 17, 2017
A monastery decided to start a fish and chips store. When
the store opened, a client comes in, and asks one of the
clerics: "Are you the fish fryer?"
"Oh, no," the cleric answers, "I'm the chip monk!"
Posted May 15, 2017
From: Chief of Operations
Subject: Proper Narrative Descriptions
It has come to our attention from several emergency rooms
that many EMS narratives have taken a decidedly creative
direction lately. Effective immediately, all members are to
refrain from using slang and abbreviations to describe
patients, such as the following.
a.. Cardiac patients should not be referred to as suffering
from MUH (messed up heart), PBS (pretty bad shape), PCL
(pre-code looking) or HIBGIA (had it before, got it again).
b.. Stroke patients are NOT "Charlie Carrots." Nor are
rescuers to use CCFCCP(Coo Coo for Cocoa Puffs) to describe
their mental state.
c.. Trauma patients are not CATS (cut all to sh*t), FDGB
(fall down, go boom), TBC (total body crunch) or "hamburger
helper." Similarly, descriptions of a car crash do not have
to include phrases like "negative vehicle to vehicle
interface" or "terminal deceleration syndrome."
d.. HAZMAT teams are highly trained professionals, not "glow
e.. Persons with altered mental states as a result of drug
use are not considered "pharmaceutically gifted."
f.. Gunshot wounds to the head are not "trans-occipital
g.. The homeless are not "urban outdoorsmen," nor is
endotracheal intubation referred to as a "PVC Challenge."
h.. And finally, do not refer to recently deceased persons
as being "paws up," ART (assuming room temperature), CC
(Cancel Christmas), CTD (circling the drain), DRT (dead
right there) or NLPR (no long playing records).
I know you will all join me in respecting the cultural
diversity of our patients to include their medical
orientations in creating proper narratives and log entries.
Posted May 14, 2017
A store owner was dismayed when a brand new business much
like his own opened up on his left and erected a huge sign
which read, "BEST DEALS."
He was shocked when another competitor opened up on his
right, and announced its arrival with an even larger sign,
reading, "LOWEST PRICES."
Panic ensued until he had an idea. He put the biggest sign
of all over his own shop. It read, "MAIN ENTRANCE."
Posted May 10, 2017
A farmer is wondering how many sheep he has, so he asks
his sheepdog to count them.
The dog runs into the field, counts them, and then runs back
to his master.
"So," says the farmer. "How many sheep were there?"
"40," replies the dog.
"What? How can there be 40?!" exclaims the farmer. "I only
"I know," says the dog. "But I rounded them up."
Posted May 8, 2017
The Down Side of Cubicles:
* Being told to "Think outside the box" when I'm in the box
* Not being able to check E-mail attachments without first
seeing who is behind me.
* Fabric cubicle walls do not offer much protection from any
kind of gunfire.
* That nagging feeling that if I press the right button, I
will get a piece of cheese.
* Lack of rafters for the noose.
* My walls are too close together for my hammock to work
* Women: Damned near impossible to adjust your bra without
* Men: Co-workers tend to stare when you take your pants
* 23 power cords, 1 outlet.
* Prison cells are not only bigger, they have beds.
* When tours come thru, I get lots of peanuts thrown at me.
* Can't slam the door when you quit and walk out.
Posted May 5, 2017
A man worked for a road crew. One day he woke up ill with a
touch of laryngitis, but being a dedicated employee, he went
The boss felt rather sorry for the worker and didn't want
him to do any physical labor, as they were repairing a part
of the freeway. He says, "Why don't you go down the road and
tell people to slow down going through the construction?"
The worker is glad for the easy day. He stops the first
vehicle: "Sir," he whispers, his throat feeling worse,
"please slow down, there's a road crew up ahead."
"Okay," the driver whispers back, "I'll try not to wake
Posted May 1, 2017
A young lawyer decided that his life needed a hobby.
Since his buddies talked about sailing, he thought he'd give
it a go. He went to the local boat show and asked a lot of
Everything seemed to be going well when he said, "How do you
dock the boat?" The salesman replied, "Well, you really
don't dock the sailboat, you tie it up to a float just
beyond the dock. This way you don't bang up the finish on
"Well then", the lawyer asked, "How do you get out to the
"Good question." The salesman told him that you can get a
small raft and paddle out to the boat, or just walk out to
the boat, if you don't mind getting wet.
"Oh, I get it," the lawyer replied. "It's Row vs Wade."
Posted April 29, 2017
Politically Correct Ways to Say Your Co-Worker Is Stupid
*No grain in the silo
*Proof that evolution can go in reverse
*Receiver is off the hook
*Several nuts short of a full pouch
*He fell out of the stupid tree and hit every branch on the
Posted April 27, 2017
A man sees a job ad posted on a construction site, "Handy
man wanted; apply within."
So he does and speaks to the foreman.
"Can you drive a Bobcat?" the foreman asks.
"Can you plaster?"
"Have you ever done any carpentry?"